"Let us not wish others be changed,

but change ourselves first!"

Short Reflection of Julia Kim of Naju, Korea

When I was 5 or 6 years old, my mother used to go about 20km away to sell her goods. I would accompany her then. To take a shortcut, we had to pass by a mountain path. It was a winding path. At that time, even though I wanted to urinate, I couldn’t. I usually would not say what I needed. But I was walking awkwardly. She asked me, “Do you need to pee?” “Yes,” I replied. “Quickly do it here.” “No, I won’t.” “Why not?” 

“The sky and the ground see me.” “How can they see you? No way.” “The sky and the ground see me.” “They are always there as they are. Just do it here. No one’s looking at you.” “No, I won’t.” “Go ahead, I’ll cover you.” “But the sky and the ground still see me.” So I didn’t relieve myself at all. Until I began participating in Our Lord’s suffering, I couldn’t even go into the bathroom if there was any man around.

One day in the 4th grade, I found there was poop in my way. As the students began pouring out of school, they saw the poop. A boy among them decided to urinate right next to it. Then the poop splattered all around. So, the boy shouted, “Yuck!!! How disgusting!” and spat on it. At that moment, I meditated on what happened. 

Since I was young, it’s the Lord who led me to deep meditation. When I think of it, everything in my life was prepared by Our Lord. Looking at the ground, I said, “Dear ground! Dear ground! Even if people pee, poop, spit or trample on you, you remain still no matter how painful it may be. Yes, I will take after you. No matter how people trample on me, cover me with filth… As you remain still although they poop and pee on you, I’ll also live like you.”

I made this resolution at that time. 

As you know, living under my uncle’s family, I did all the grueling tasks with ill treatment. So, I said to the ground, “Yes, I’ll emulate you and do well in silence.” I came home with that resolution. Since then, I haven’t even looked to the side while walking. Even now when I pass by on the street, I don’t know what’s next to me. That’s why I have no sense of direction at all.

When I came home from school, my mother asked me, “Did you see if the mill is running today?” “I don’t know.” “How can you not know when you passed by it?” “I don’t know. I only see the sky and the ground while walking.” “Why do you only see the sky and the ground?” “That’s how I am.”

When my friends would talk to me, they always spoke ill of others. That’s why I said, “The sky and the ground are my only friends.” That’s how I lived my life. Even those kids at that age were good at slandering others. I really hate it when somebody speaks ill of others. The sky and the ground don’t speak at all. So, they are free from sin.

As a little girl living under my uncle’s family, I cooked for them all. How easy it is to cook nowadays! We have tap water now. In those days, I had to draw water(from a well with a bucket) and even had to wash all the poopy diapers.

To look after the young horses, I cut fodder to feed them, and gave them water. To weave large bags of rice, I twisted many straw ropes. And I cooked for the whole family, I did all those things in my school days.

Back in the olden days, we used brass spoons. When I began cooking for the first time, my maternal cousin gave me one, telling me to scrape scorched rice off the pot. At the time we boiled rice in a large iron pot with wood fire. Nowadays, adults feel like it’s a big hassle to cook even if they can use an electric rice cooker. At that time, I had to make fire in the furnace first, grind some barley and then boil it.

After adding some rice, I boiled it again and steamed it thoroughly. Back in the old days, the cooked rice would not taste good if the bottom wasn’t scorched. So it should be scorched. Afterwards, I would scrape out the scorched rice. If I simply pour water in the pot and boil it all together, it’s easier to scoop it up.

But while I was scraping, my cousin told me, “Scrape it with this brass spoon only and use it to eat your meal.” So I had followed what she told me ever since then. A stainless steel spoon doesn’t wear down much. But a brass one wears down easily. As I continued scraping the scorched rice with the brass spoon, it wore down more and more and reduced to half of its original size after a few years. I continued to eat with it.

As it was scraped like this, the back of the spoon became rough and made my mouth bleed. So I had to eat carefully, trying not to cut the inner parts of my mouth. But a half-worn spoon was useless for soup, because the soup would spill through the spoon. Yet I still used it for all my meals until I got married.

The reason was that… ‘Dear spoon! I use you until you are totally worn down, yet you remain silent though you feel pain, don’t you?’ Of course, it’s a lifeless thing that feels no pain, but my meditation was like this since my childhood. I didn’t know what meditation was, as I was young. ‘When I use only you for scraping it, you feel much hurt, right?’ Other families would use a separate spoon for scraping scorched rice.

Those from the olden days know this, right? (Yes!) Even though others would use the spoon only for that purpose, I scraped with it and also ate with that worn down spoon. Then my mother was surprised and asked, “Why do you use that spoon? Eat with a new one.” “I’m fine, mother. I’m fine.” I continued to use it as a promise to myself.

Looking at that spoon, I said, ‘Yes. Even if I feel the burden is too heavy and want to put it down, and even when I feel it is difficult and want to give up, I will not give up. As you don’t give up, I will also not give up. I will go to the end with this mindset. Even if I am worn down to the very bottom, I’ll live with this mindset like you.’ So, no matter what people would say, I reaffirmed my mindset again and again by looking at the spoon. 

At times, there were moments I wanted to give up even a little bit. Then, I looked up at the sky and the ground, and said, ‘Dear Sky! Dear ground! No matter how anyone harasses me, I’ll keep silent without saying anything, No matter the pain, bitterness, or hardship in my heart, I will…’ At that time, I didn’t know well about ‘Offering up’. So I said, ‘I will endure it. As you bear it, I’ll bear it also.’ So, even when my cousin beat me, I remembered the spoon, the ground, the sky, the tree, and the grass.

When I reflected on this while looking at the sky and ground, I saw children walking on the grass. So I went to the grass and said, ‘Dear grass, it hurts you, right? I’m sorry, I’ll make you upright.’ And so I made it stand up. When I saw it the next morning, it was upright again. Then I touched it again and said, ‘Yes, thank you. Thank you for standing upright again.' 'As you offered up your pain without saying that you are hurt, I’ll offer up mine the same way.’

So even though my mother gave me lashes often, again and again, I never thought, ‘Why does my mother hit me so much?’ When she lashed me, I just remained still, taking the hits. My aunts are here now. My aunt advised me not to endure the beatings and to run away. But I didn’t run away. I never even said that ‘I won’t run away.’ I wouldn’t even respond at all.

I considered the ground which just stays there, no matter how hard people step and run on it. So even when my eardrum ruptured when my uncle slapped my cheek severely, I didn’t resent him. Even though people assaulted me with square logs, I didn’t resent them. In order to avoid returning my investment, one of my academy business partners sent his family to harm me.

They struck my head and forehead hard against the cement floor, pulled my hair and tore it out. But I remembered the ground, ‘Dear ground, I will also endure it like you.’ With ‘Semchigo’ as if I were loved by them, I could overcome anything. If we blame and hate others, it will never end.

People always want others to change rather than to change themselves first. Let us not do that. We are beloved children who have been specially called by the Lord and Mother Mary. This world is rotting away now. But all of you here have come into the flower garden of salvation. You do not realize it all now. But there will come a day when you will realize it for sure. So, at least we, who say that we know Our Lord and Mother Mary, at least we, who are chosen by Our Lord and Mother Mary, let us truly be awake and make the effort to go to Heaven with the Five Spiritualities.